Gentlemen, do you find yourself being a single, mildly attractive and not completely morose creature? Are you struggling to get the girl, even after she finished the cocktail you purchased from the heavy-handed bartender? Look no further! This is a step-by-step guide for you to unravel the secret to those mythical creatures called “Ladies.”
The first thing you need to do is identify the type of woman you’re interacting with.
But Sam, there are different types of women?
Yes, sir, there are. Think of it like your fantasy football league. Women roll in packs – or at least they belong to one – and each lady has a particular position she fills. Let us discuss.
They are acquaintances or friends of friends. Your free agents. Everyone is an Add-on once in a blue moon. It’s the girl who has been dragged to go out with her new co-worker andnine sorority sisters from the class of ’08 (don’t sweat it gurl, been there). They’re really there to add bodies or take our pictures #doitforthegram.
Approach the females with a friend. Introduce said friend to the group, i.e. offering him up as a sacrifice. While we devour his soul, find the Add-on of your choosing and say, “Is this a bachelorette party? *Look around*… And you must be the beautiful bride-to-be. What a lucky man.” If she’s single and ready to mingle, fudge some small talk before you ask to buy her a drink. If she’s taken, lather, rinse, and repeat.
This is most likely our current right-hand man; the Jimmy Fallon to our Justin Timberlake.
She is instructed to make sure we don’t get roofied, lose our purse or buy a drink that’s over $13. This lady will not leave our side and will only separate from the group if we all find someone to go home with. That’s a problem for you because the chances of your whole group vibing with ours is slim to none.
What to do? Offer up your sidekick again as sacrifice. This time, make sure he vibes with his female counterpart before you proceed. Maybe do a side nod if they are getting on well and say, “I haven’t seen him be that talkative in a while.” Have a discussion about their discussion with your lady of interest. Your best bet is to try for a double date to end the night because really, the Add-ons still don’t matter. If all else fails and it’s after 12 a.m., say the word “pizza.” All a girl really wants is someone to be her Papa John.
On to the hard stuff. OG’s are most likely our college roommates, high school or even pre-potty trained besties. If my mom is her godmother, you might as well walk away now (unless your boy is Chris Hemsworth and you’re Robert Downey Jr. but, like 20-year-old RDJ cause I’m INTO THAT). For us, this night might be our ultimate reunion. Who knows how long it has been since we’ve seen each other. And tonight is the night we conquer the motha’ fuckin’ world. We’ve been playing Beyoncé since 5 pm wearing our freakum dresses (and most forgiving spanx).
If you feel confident enough to approach us in this rare form, you better bring your A game. Wait until we get to the bar, order 4 shots, two for you and two for us. Make eye contact and smile just as you order them. Motion for us to grab the surplus. DO NOT break eye contact until we have both taken our shots. Then… let us walk away. If you’re lucky, we’re talking about tappin’ that. Good indicators are hearing us yell “Yasssss Queeenn!” or seeing us dancing with our arms in the air. This means we might revisit you later in the evening. May the odds be in your favor.
And finally, the Queen Bee:
Possible identifiers: she’s wearing all black, she appears as if she was born with that cat eye, and she doesn’t dance much, but when she does…She is the one. The woman you can take home to mom and also complete your bucket list with. She is the epitome of “get a girl who can do both.”
Each QB is a unique and intricate soul. One cannot simply approach the QB, one must become a fly on the wall and observe. Don’t fret if you aren’t good enough, not many are. If you catch her eye, she will make her move. Don’t become restless while trying to get noticed. Refrain from idiotic dancing, chanting anything with your bros and reciting L.M.F.A.O. or T-Pain lyrics. If you can avoid these, she may come to you. Congratulations, you’ve won the evening.
Side note: If you have identified multiple women as the potential QB, you have come across an endangered breed of girl group called The Coven. This is like having three Khaleesi’s in Westeros and you’re not even half the man Tyrion is. These women will not meet their future in a bar. If you try to approach a Coven it will result in a situation similar to a Time Wraith devouring you. You will get chewed up and spat out. What you need to do is run. Run for your life and never look back.
You’re now equipped to handle the microcosm that is females at a bar. Take this knowledge and share it with your brethren. Good luck and Godspeed.